This is a very personal note. If I was someone who wrote a diary, I would put this on that.
I flew into DC today. During these long transatlantic flights, there are times when one is sitting at the airport, waiting for a connection. More often than not, these are odd hours and I observe people. I observe their body language, how people are talking and its interesting- how much you can make out about a person and their relationships by just looking at them.
In recent times, i have started observing mother daughter relationships. May be, a result of some guilt that I might have been a bad daughter or a craving to find my mother next to me. Just when I at a stage in life to value my mother and bring her dreams alive, she is not there with me. In these moments of aloneness, at the airports, as I see mother-daughters, i cannot help reflecting back on my relationship with my mother.
Mommy was the best, is the best and will always be the best. Most of my recollection today are of her doing things for me or me getting angry at her. There are times i remember saying sorry for what i did, but more often than not, she just got it. I never had to say anything- rarely apologize for my bad behavior, but just smile and get back to being normal. And life will get back to normal.
Now I do not have her with me and i wonder, if I told her- that i loved her.
The memories of her are like a 1960's movies. All pristine in her saari, hair tied up in a jura, she was one of the most proud and self respecting woman i know. She stood behind dad like a rock, supporting him in all his decisions and being his strength. She was the hand around me pulling me back from danger and pushing me into opportunities. The constant renforcement, that I need even today, but no longer have it.
Have I been bad.. yes very bad. I have screamed at her, asked us to go away, not to irritate me.. and she would still be around- will smile, ignoring me. As I was contemplating, i decided to think of times, when I have been a very good daughter, a friend and support to her. There are a few times I could think of- when I in my heart know- was the biggest strength she had.
Once she was very un-well emotionally, and I took her out for lunch. She started recovering after that day and the conversation we had that evening. Another time was when we were mugged of $200. I smiled at her and reassured her it was ok. The times when I would shop for clothes for my brother were times when she felt really happy. Another time, when i spoke to my ex after a very very long time, I reached out to her to give her the first download. That is when she said- i know and feel good that you share everything with me. She was my best friend and i am glad i was able to tell that to her.
In a life of 30 years, I can think of only a handful of times when I have done things/ conversations when I have felt truly connected to her. In 30 years, there are a million incidents when she has done things when she has been truly connected to me.
Now that she is gone, will i ever find a way to get over this guilt- the guilt of being not the good daughter she raised me to be- the guilt of misbehaving with a person who cared for you more than anybody in the world. Is being alone some level, a redemption.
I flew into DC today. During these long transatlantic flights, there are times when one is sitting at the airport, waiting for a connection. More often than not, these are odd hours and I observe people. I observe their body language, how people are talking and its interesting- how much you can make out about a person and their relationships by just looking at them.
In recent times, i have started observing mother daughter relationships. May be, a result of some guilt that I might have been a bad daughter or a craving to find my mother next to me. Just when I at a stage in life to value my mother and bring her dreams alive, she is not there with me. In these moments of aloneness, at the airports, as I see mother-daughters, i cannot help reflecting back on my relationship with my mother.
Mommy was the best, is the best and will always be the best. Most of my recollection today are of her doing things for me or me getting angry at her. There are times i remember saying sorry for what i did, but more often than not, she just got it. I never had to say anything- rarely apologize for my bad behavior, but just smile and get back to being normal. And life will get back to normal.
Now I do not have her with me and i wonder, if I told her- that i loved her.
The memories of her are like a 1960's movies. All pristine in her saari, hair tied up in a jura, she was one of the most proud and self respecting woman i know. She stood behind dad like a rock, supporting him in all his decisions and being his strength. She was the hand around me pulling me back from danger and pushing me into opportunities. The constant renforcement, that I need even today, but no longer have it.
Have I been bad.. yes very bad. I have screamed at her, asked us to go away, not to irritate me.. and she would still be around- will smile, ignoring me. As I was contemplating, i decided to think of times, when I have been a very good daughter, a friend and support to her. There are a few times I could think of- when I in my heart know- was the biggest strength she had.
Once she was very un-well emotionally, and I took her out for lunch. She started recovering after that day and the conversation we had that evening. Another time was when we were mugged of $200. I smiled at her and reassured her it was ok. The times when I would shop for clothes for my brother were times when she felt really happy. Another time, when i spoke to my ex after a very very long time, I reached out to her to give her the first download. That is when she said- i know and feel good that you share everything with me. She was my best friend and i am glad i was able to tell that to her.
In a life of 30 years, I can think of only a handful of times when I have done things/ conversations when I have felt truly connected to her. In 30 years, there are a million incidents when she has done things when she has been truly connected to me.
Now that she is gone, will i ever find a way to get over this guilt- the guilt of being not the good daughter she raised me to be- the guilt of misbehaving with a person who cared for you more than anybody in the world. Is being alone some level, a redemption.
