Shaadi Mubarak!

Good daughters 1

Life is a series of experiences and its left upto you in which order you experience them

The biggest problem in life is often the problems we did not anticipate- Martin Luthur King Jr.

Maya always led a planned life.  She  never planned to be where she is today. But is sort of worked out well for her.. She believes, life is a series of experiences, and damn….who cares in which order you have them.

Life did teach her a lot of lessons. At the age of 30, seeing her life not moving the ways she planned, this is what her conculsion was.

Like any girl her age, when growing up in a upper middle class, well educated and well read, non-traditional yet conservative Indian family, she lived in a world of fairly tale with a twist. While she was waiting for her prince charming, she decided to make a career for herself. But ofcourse, this will be secondary. As mother nature has defined the roles of the male and the female of the species, she wanted to take the role of a nurturer. She never wanted to be the provider, but yes, was mindful of the fact that she did not want to ask her man to provide for her needs to splurge. Giving credit to her high scores at school, her love for the arts and the university selection process, she managed to secure a seat in one of the most prestigious design schools in India. Unlike a lot of people who claim to know what they want in their life from profession, she was just going with the flow. She knew she liked something and decided to pursue it because it came easy. She was unsure what it meant at that time and where it would lead in long run. She was the first design student in her family, she got into a school on her merit and the fee was not that high. Her parents and family were happy because every body believed that she will be happy.. They wanted her to be an independent woman when she grew up, and this will meet their goal. This was the best up-bringing and advise they could give their daughter- be independent.

Maya, was not an idealist who wanted to change the world, but like any college student, just a person who wanted to have some good time, learn, be proud of her –self, find something she enjoyed doing. Life was still very exciting and there was tons to do. She was just strating out. Little did she know, that she was now embarking on a journey to adulthood.

Considered a very sorted child, Maya was little prepared for life. Like most of other people her age, she was exploring- hoping that exploration will end soon. She is now 30 and the quest is still on.

Have you ever looked at pictures of your friends and said, that is what I wanted my life to be.  And then she woke up!

She will study, have a profession and as soon as she has a husband and family, they will be her world. She imagined living in a house with a garden, looking out to the water outside. The house which had warm wooden floors, original contemporary art from artist frinds of her. Green palm plans and bright yellow tulips on a solid oak dining table. Looking out of the tall glass doors was this manicured garden. At the end of the green grass were these steps which went down to the beach outside. And then there was water. This was the picture of the perfect house Maya had in her mind. She always saw herself wearing lacy white clothes – which were sophisticate sexy. Her man was this cool confident casual guy, who was in control of her.

 The biggest problem with her life were the problems she never anticipated.  She had plans for life but life had plans for her. 

Accept thy self!!

Seems like a blog roll!!!

This is another cool thing i heard today, marry someone, who makes you feel, who you are, the way you are and you do not have to prove yourself to be someone else.

Sounds very interesting, but c'mon, let us be honest, how many of us accept who we are in ourselves. It takes us a while to get comfortable with our own selves. I have been to a number of parties, when the guest will be tired and make it a point to come, because they believe, if they do not come, they will not be invited again. Isn't this a sign of not accepting who you are.. and just living off insecurities.

There are other times, when I have seen, lots of people, going thru life, doing thing as others want to do.. .and that is ok, as long, as they accept, that they are ok about it and are aware of it. The awareness, of self makes it really important.

I recently started a lot of meditation, yoga and sports activities. For the first time, i am feeling, i am getting in touch with my inner self... my mind and body are communication to each other in a manner that is new to me. The control a mind can have on your body is so visible, it is amazing.

Yep.. jibber jabber.. that is what I am in a mode for today!

Shaadi Mubarak 10

Rembrandt's Philosopher in Meditation (detail). (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As I was sitting and watching the TV show - 'brothers and sisters', I was intrigued by a dialogue - "each one of us is picked to do something. You had no choice".

This was a reminder of the constant debate between karma and destiny.

Everyone of us- at some point deals with the question of what is the true meaning of life, often ask- or- what is my passion?

I have not been able to figure this out for a long time. I wondered, if I cannot figure it out myself, can someone else help me... what if my parents saw something when I was growing up.. may be that is an indicator of what i should be doing.

As i rethought this concept, i wonder, if people make choices when they have no choice. When they are left with make choice, they make a decision. Till the choices, keep on existing, people continue to push the decision, keep on jumping from one situation to another. Whenever, they reach a point, that they understand, they will not have any choices, they get scared of the future, they take the best decision they can take.

People, who continue to believe they have a choice, will continue to move from choice to choice, not taking a clear decision.

Conceptual, isn't it. But think about it!

Shaadi mubarak 5

Why marry?

Is it the economic security, the companionship or the desire to have kids and start a family? But, do you really need marriage for that? In today's world, has the relevance of all these factors changed
In a TV commercial recently, the young girl was being asked by her traditional aunt to get married for 'setting' up a house and security. She responds by showing the aunt pictures of a house she bought and says- security ke liye watchman hai na. Very forward thinking commercial for a country like India, where marriage is key to living life.

Hindu marriage ceremony from a Rajput wedding. ‪Norsk (nynorsk)‬: Rajput-par i ein hinduistisk vigsel. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

People often talk about the concept of love, but in our modern day lifes, do we give love a chance to bloom. We are so self obsessed with our passion we call our work, of the things we want to do, that - we tend to forget to make time for love and/ or relationships. And where does this love go when relationship break- divorces happen.

Marriage is a contractual agreement, where two people decide to share their economic resources and decide to co-habit. As the society evolved, from native Americans to romans to Greeks to English to Hindus- the definition of marriage and expectations are changing. Monogamy, expected as a given in modern day marriage in a large section of the world was not true centuries ago as an expectation from marriage. I often wonder if nature designed human species as a monogamous species- because in my limited knowledge of the world around us, i find it hard to find a species that are monogamous.

In fact, US law recognizes single parent children - who for centuries have been called illegitimate children. In Indian society, how do we explain the Pandav's? Were they not children of the various gods? In modern day world, was this artificial insemination?

As the society in changing, the values are changing, women and men are getting economically independent, we are not giving enough time to cultivate a love (which often hard to explain expect a feeling), people fill their lives with things they want to do and achieve, work towards people they want to be, are passionate about work and scared to be emotionally connected, are marriages becoming irrelevant? Is there no reason to get married?

My benchmark for a happy marriage is that of my parents. Married for 30 years, dad was always mom's top priority. They might not show is, but we all knew this. Today, when mom is gone, i know- dad misses her. He is trying to make us kids his priority, but we are too engrossed in out lives, to reciprocate that.

The reason to get married is to be the number one priority in somebody's life and reciprocate that relationship. Marriages leads to a relationship where you have invested in that person, they get you/ understand you, and are there for you when you need them. Can a live- in relationship solve the same purpose, may be yes. As economic interdependency are reducing, can live in become a substituted for marriage- may be. As the laws of the world start recognizing this format, the insecurities in couples will reduce and thus, may be- live in will be a new name for marriage. In today's time, if you are willing to allow somebody in your life who gets you and gives you importance, pampers you, make you their priority and you think you can reciprocate that, marry them. We all want to feel important. We spend so much of money on our weddings, be the center of attraction, wear good clothes, because feeling important feels freaking awesome. Imagine, if this could happen everyday of your life.

This concept is not to be taken literally; Yes, there are days when we are at work and we might not receive calls from our spouses/ committed relationships, but in our heart of hearts, we know, that this bond is the most important person to us. They get us, they support us and give all the importance i want. And in a marriage or a committed relationship, when the priorities start shifting, there is trouble.

People say they are passionate about work. However, its not a reciprocal relationship. People get pets but, can a pet fill the need of a person? Call it ego or the way we are build, we want importance from somebody we value, like, respect and who gets us. After a period of time, we just get exhausted about investing in people- understanding them, trying to explain us. We want to slip into a comfort zone yet get all importance. We do not want to be left alone, when people have other priorities. We do not want to get out and go back home alone, because the person we were having so much fun with is priortizing something else over us. If you have a girlfriend, she wants to go home to be with family. If she is your wife, she will stick with you till you both are having fun. You are her family. If you like a guy, he will be cuddling you in bed when you go home. If he is only a boy friend, he may or may not even drop you home. He has a choice. If he is your husband, his home is where yours is!

We want that importance, care. We want to be the top priority!!

Shaadi Mubarak 9

Classic "one-knee" proposal, ca. 1815 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

.31 crt diamond ; 2 trillian cut rubies ; 14k gold with trinity knots (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This post take a view on the whole 'proposal' business.

Asking someone to get married to you or agreeing to someone, is may be one of the biggest steps anyone can take. This is a decision, which you take, in all awareness, that you will live your life with this one person, build a family with them, until death do you apart. You bet, this is BIG STEP!

As women, we all dream of a knight and shiny armor, will come in the woods and whisk us away. Some of us grow up, some of us still wish we will get that and some of us are actually lucky enough to get it.

Planning a proposal is not an easy task. To all the men, thank you, for going through the pains of making your special lady feel so special. I wonder, what goes on in your head, when you are planning one. Are you wondering, hope she likes it, or what if she says no. Are you anxious or just taking these steps to make her happy?

I planned a proposal with a friend for his girlfriend. I was responsible to getting the size of the ring, help him choose one (as he wanted it to be a surprise) and then work with him on the details of when, how and where to pop the box open and let the glistening diamond show. For me it was fun, for him,it was nerve racking.

One friend of mine, surprised his girlfriend, by taking her in the middle of the lake in Versailles, and asking her to marry her there.

Women who are dating and in a committed relationships, are in a constant pendulum stage, till the time the question is not asked. They are constantly being nagged by the question..."when will he ask me to marry him?". The rules of the game say, they( as women) should not ask and wait to be asked. So, they start by throwing hints. .."hey, my mom was saying that I should get married now.... or ....I can move in with you, only if we get married....you know what, see how Rahul proposed to his girlfriend....."

Yes, women are smart, they will start using the word marriage, ring, et al in the casual conversations. They might also see a movie and generally say, how cute, I would love to be proposed that ways.

Around this time, the girl is already in the malls, will stop in front of a jewellery store, admiring rings. This is the time, when every girl will know the language of diamonds- cut, clarity and carat. Men, beware, you are talking to some highly educated ladies here! This is also the time, when each evening, she is going out on dinner with him, she is anticipating, that he will ask her today. Each evening, that this does not happen, she comes back, unhappy, even if she had the most wonderful time.

But, guess, what, whenever the question is popped, it always is a memorable story. A story, that will stay with the girl for a long time. A story that she will smile and tell when asked.More than the wedding, the anticipation and proposal, as the easiest, and the most romantic moment in a shaadi. And for us bye standers, this is often a story, when we hear, we say... awww.... oooohh...aaa... !

Shaadi Mubarak 8

Silhouette or a pregnant woman and her partner. The woman is in advanced pregnancy at about 39 wks gestation. The flickr photographer reports that this is an edited image. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Our fascination to be  productive!

Like always, I was chatting with a friend of mine, woes of a single girl. My friend has just quit her job, and is staying at home, focusing on self, going to gym classes, meeting friend and taking some time off to think, about the meaning of life, what she wants to do with it, how she wants to live it.

I am currently in San Francisco, living it- atleast that is what the world thinks, and I like it that ways. I have a job, my own place, friends and my share of classes- from yoga, meditation to swimming, calligraphy. Everything that i need to explore and find myself.

As I was speaking to Fora, cribbing about pressures of life, how i was not feeling my full potential was being used, Fora drew a comparison and said, " my dear, atleast you are working and being productive, i am not doing that too"

This struck me! The need to be productive.

Why is it hard for people to take time out of their own lives, to live it. When they do this, there has to be another reason like (a) retirement (b) life changing situation. What is our fascination to be productive. Why can't we just say happily, we are doing nothing. Why is exploring life, at its pace, not a big enough and respectable job.

The concept of productivity, raised another interesting thought- the easiest way to be productive for a woman is to be 'literally' productive- i.e, bear children. Apologies, this is sounding crass, and derogatory, but  for a minute, think about it, there are women in the world, who are just children making machines. Think of people like Kate Gosselin, of Kate plus Eight. Producing eight kids! This woman, did become a kid popping machine.

I wonder, how many women actually become mothers, because they want to get that feeling of motherhood and love and care. What is this feeling of motherhood? Is this a feeling, where you feel good/ bad/ responsible, for someone, you actually feel needed, as there is someone, out there who is totally dependent on you. A feeling of self validation, that I am actually worth something to someone.

Like an architect said- every brick wants to be something.

Every individual wants to be needed. wants to be productive, and as much as we like the esoteric concepts of motherhood, feelings of love and care, they key driver can be traced to a need of every individual to be something.