Shaadi Mubarak 9

Classic "one-knee" proposal, ca. 1815 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

.31 crt diamond ; 2 trillian cut rubies ; 14k gold with trinity knots (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This post take a view on the whole 'proposal' business.

Asking someone to get married to you or agreeing to someone, is may be one of the biggest steps anyone can take. This is a decision, which you take, in all awareness, that you will live your life with this one person, build a family with them, until death do you apart. You bet, this is BIG STEP!

As women, we all dream of a knight and shiny armor, will come in the woods and whisk us away. Some of us grow up, some of us still wish we will get that and some of us are actually lucky enough to get it.

Planning a proposal is not an easy task. To all the men, thank you, for going through the pains of making your special lady feel so special. I wonder, what goes on in your head, when you are planning one. Are you wondering, hope she likes it, or what if she says no. Are you anxious or just taking these steps to make her happy?

I planned a proposal with a friend for his girlfriend. I was responsible to getting the size of the ring, help him choose one (as he wanted it to be a surprise) and then work with him on the details of when, how and where to pop the box open and let the glistening diamond show. For me it was fun, for him,it was nerve racking.

One friend of mine, surprised his girlfriend, by taking her in the middle of the lake in Versailles, and asking her to marry her there.

Women who are dating and in a committed relationships, are in a constant pendulum stage, till the time the question is not asked. They are constantly being nagged by the question..."when will he ask me to marry him?". The rules of the game say, they( as women) should not ask and wait to be asked. So, they start by throwing hints. .."hey, my mom was saying that I should get married now.... or ....I can move in with you, only if we get married....you know what, see how Rahul proposed to his girlfriend....."

Yes, women are smart, they will start using the word marriage, ring, et al in the casual conversations. They might also see a movie and generally say, how cute, I would love to be proposed that ways.

Around this time, the girl is already in the malls, will stop in front of a jewellery store, admiring rings. This is the time, when every girl will know the language of diamonds- cut, clarity and carat. Men, beware, you are talking to some highly educated ladies here! This is also the time, when each evening, she is going out on dinner with him, she is anticipating, that he will ask her today. Each evening, that this does not happen, she comes back, unhappy, even if she had the most wonderful time.

But, guess, what, whenever the question is popped, it always is a memorable story. A story, that will stay with the girl for a long time. A story that she will smile and tell when asked.More than the wedding, the anticipation and proposal, as the easiest, and the most romantic moment in a shaadi. And for us bye standers, this is often a story, when we hear, we say... awww.... oooohh...aaa... !

Shaadi Mubarak 8

Silhouette or a pregnant woman and her partner. The woman is in advanced pregnancy at about 39 wks gestation. The flickr photographer reports that this is an edited image. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Our fascination to be  productive!

Like always, I was chatting with a friend of mine, woes of a single girl. My friend has just quit her job, and is staying at home, focusing on self, going to gym classes, meeting friend and taking some time off to think, about the meaning of life, what she wants to do with it, how she wants to live it.

I am currently in San Francisco, living it- atleast that is what the world thinks, and I like it that ways. I have a job, my own place, friends and my share of classes- from yoga, meditation to swimming, calligraphy. Everything that i need to explore and find myself.

As I was speaking to Fora, cribbing about pressures of life, how i was not feeling my full potential was being used, Fora drew a comparison and said, " my dear, atleast you are working and being productive, i am not doing that too"

This struck me! The need to be productive.

Why is it hard for people to take time out of their own lives, to live it. When they do this, there has to be another reason like (a) retirement (b) life changing situation. What is our fascination to be productive. Why can't we just say happily, we are doing nothing. Why is exploring life, at its pace, not a big enough and respectable job.

The concept of productivity, raised another interesting thought- the easiest way to be productive for a woman is to be 'literally' productive- i.e, bear children. Apologies, this is sounding crass, and derogatory, but  for a minute, think about it, there are women in the world, who are just children making machines. Think of people like Kate Gosselin, of Kate plus Eight. Producing eight kids! This woman, did become a kid popping machine.

I wonder, how many women actually become mothers, because they want to get that feeling of motherhood and love and care. What is this feeling of motherhood? Is this a feeling, where you feel good/ bad/ responsible, for someone, you actually feel needed, as there is someone, out there who is totally dependent on you. A feeling of self validation, that I am actually worth something to someone.

Like an architect said- every brick wants to be something.

Every individual wants to be needed. wants to be productive, and as much as we like the esoteric concepts of motherhood, feelings of love and care, they key driver can be traced to a need of every individual to be something.

Stole this from Vikram Karve- read on!

A still from the 1936 Hindi film Achhut Kanya (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

MARRIAGE - COMFORT LEVEL and MARRIED - LIFE LIKES and DISLIKES

COMFORT LEVEL and MARRIED LIFE

LIKES and DISLIKES

Musings of a Much Married Husband

By

VIKRAM KARVE

Every Saturday morning, my wife and I go the E-Square Multiplex on the University Road in Pune. We see a movie and then enjoy some good vegetarian food at the Food Court, and then go about our weekend business. It is a good start to a weekend.

A few months back, one Saturday, as is customary, we reached E-Square at 9 in the morning. I wanted to see an English Movie – a serious film which had just won an Oscar. My wife wanted to see the latest cacophonous Bollywood “comedy” – well I really do not relish such raucous slapstick.

Luckily there were shows of both the movies at 9:30 – albeit on different screens – so I went to see the Hollywood Movie on Screen 3 and my wife went to see the Bollywood Film on Screen 5.

My movie finished early, so I was waiting for my wife at a Food Court, when our neighbours, a young couple, spotted me sitting all alone and came over to say, “Hi.”

I invited them to join me and ordered coffee.

“We were sitting right behind you in the theatre,” the smart young lady said.

“Sorry, I didn’t notice you,” I said.

“All alone?” the husband asked.

“No,” I said, “my wife is watching the Hindi Movie in Screen 5. I am waiting for her here.”

Seeing the bewildered look on their faces, I explained, “You see, my wife does not like English Movies, especially serious films like the one we saw. And I really don’t like these loud noisy Bollywood comedies like the one she is seeing, which she prefers.”

“So you go your separate ways?” the young wife asked me with a curious look on her face.

“Yes,” I said, “What we both like, we do together. When our likes do not match, we do those things on our own. Why should I compel my wife to something she does not like doing? And why should a wife force a husband to do something he does not like? Tell me, why should we impose our likes and dislikes on each other?” 

“Shall I tell you something?” the young husband said.

“Please, go ahead, feel free,” I said.

“Actually, I too wanted to see the Hindi Movie,” the husband confessed.

“But why didn’t you tell me?” the wife retorted.

“I did not want to spoil your mood. I know you hate these light Hindi comedies and like the boring serious English Films like the one we saw today,” the husband said.

“Come on guys,” I said, “the most important thing in a marriage is to have a good comfort level with your partner – there should be no barrier, no mask, no faking and absolutely no trust-deficit in the relationship.”

Suddenly my wife came and sat down. She seemed very happy. She said “Hi, nice to see you here” to the young couple and then looked at me and said, “I really enjoyed the movie – total nonsense – no taxing the brain – but you wouldn’t have liked it. How was your movie?”

“Good,” I said, “I really liked the film.”

“That’s great,” my wife said. Then she looked at the couple and said, “Come on, let’s eat.”

“What next?” I asked my wife.

“Let’s go to the Mall in Camp,” my wife said, “you browse your boring books in Landmark while I do some exciting shopping. When I finish I’ll give you a ring and we can walk down Main Street to Marzorin for some yummy snacks and cold coffee.”

“How long have you two been married?” the young couple asked.

“30 years,” I said.

“Why don’t you come over to our place tomorrow morning?” the young lady asked, “we’ll go out for brunch somewhere.”

“No, No,” my wife said, “on Sunday mornings we are not free. We both give our dog a bath every Sunday morning – you know, that is the thing we really enjoy most doing together. And then we’ll laze around and watch the Sunday TV Programmes together. We love doing that.”

Before we said bye, the young couple said, “We too are going to make our “likes” and “dislikes” lists.”

“Do that,” I said, “and remember, where the “likes” match, do together, and where they don’t, just go on your own trip.”

VIKRAM KARVE

Copyright © Vikram Karve 2012

Vikram Karve has asserted his right under the Copyright, Designs and Patents Act 1988 to be identified as the author of this work. 

© vikram karve., all rights reserved.

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Insecurity is defined as:

* Feeling of not being "good enough" to meet the challenge of a situation you face in life.
* Sense of helplessness in the face of problems, conflict or concerns.
* Belief that one is inadequate or incompetent to handle life's challenges.
* Fear of being discovered as inadequate, ill-fitted or unsuited to meet responsibilities at home, school or on the job.
* Sense of not fitting in, being "out of sync" with those in your peer group.
* Perception that life is unpredictable with most of the expectations you have to meet not clearly understood.
* Sense of always climbing up a mountain, never being able to reach the top.
* Sense of lacking support or reinforcement where you live, work or play.
* Results from a sense of being unaccepted, disapproved or rejected.
* Inner turmoil coming from a lack of direction or bewilderment as to where you are going, what your goals are and what responses are appropriate for events in life. 

Insecure people may have:

* Been raised in a chaotic, unpredictable or volatile environment in which they were kept off balance, on guard or on edge.
* Experienced a major tragedy or loss in their lives and are having a difficult time in accepting this loss and adjusting to the change.
* Experienced a major catastrophe in life (e.g., divorce, losing a job, bankruptcy, failure in school, losing a friend, lack of acceptance into social or civic groups, etc.) that led them to question their personal competency.
* A poorly developed self-concept with low self-esteem, lacking belief in their personal goodness, skills or abilities.
* Never felt accepted by the others' in their life, so much so that they became chronically shy, retiring and withdrawn in their interactions.
* Had an unrealistic list of rules and expectations prescribed by significant others in their life, rules they are striving to meet even in their current life.
* A poor body image, making them believe that others see them in a negative light. This makes them self-conscious, tense and anxious in dealing with others.
* Never received enough positive reinforcement or feedback from others about their talents and abilities, leaving them unclear as to their skills.
* Been given very little direction, guidance or discipline in their earlier lives leaving them unable to cope with the current pressures of life.
* Always felt overshadowed or overlooked due to the people in their lives who seemed to be more successful, smarter, prettier, more handsome, more athletic or higher achievers, getting much attention. 

This can foster doubt in an insecure person's ability to gain recognition for their successes, and can make them doubt their ability to achieve success. 

What do chronically insecure people believe?

* I can never accomplish the task facing me.
* Everybody is looking at me, just waiting for me to make a fool of myself.
* I am a failure.
* I am ugly and awful to look at.
* I can never win. I am a loser.
* What is the sense of trying, I'll never get it right.
* No matter how hard I work to achieve, I never get any recognition.
* I am incompetent in everything.
* How could anybody ever say anything good about me?
* I failed them in the past; therefore, I am a failure today.
* Once a failure, always a failure.
* There is only one direction for me to go in this organization and that is down and out.
* No one could ever like, respect or accept me.
* I don't deserve to be treated nicely.
* I don't fit in here or anywhere else for that matter.
* Everyone else looks so good, so together; I feel so out of it compared to them.
* I am an incomplete person and will always be that way.
* I am so afraid that no one will like me.
* Why would anyone care to hear what I say, how I feel or what I think?
* People are just nice to you in order to use you and get something they want from you.

What are some negative effects of insecurity?

People who are insecure can:

* Have difficulties in establishing healthy, long-lasting relationships.
* Be perceived incorrectly by others as being snobbish or uppity.
* Become victims of fears that impair their freedom of action or choice.
* Be candidates for paranoia feeling others are out to get them.
* Scare others away from them by their defensive attitude.
* Be over-controlled emotionally, having problems letting others in on their emotions. This can lead others to guess what is going on until the passivity of the insecure person leads to an over-reaction by the others, resulting in conflict or rejection.
* Have problems on the job or in school when they have the knowledge, skills and abilities to do a task efficiently but are told to do it in a different, less effective manner. They get so uptight about the job and are fearful of standing up for what they believe that they get angry, hostile and resentful until they either quit or succeed in submerging their emotions.
* Get passed over for promotions, advances or honors because they are so quiet about what it is they do. This leads the insecure persons to feel more unaccepted, unappreciated and under-valued.
* Have problems meeting people and often can become debilitated socially by chronic shyness. 
* Become so inward that they seek to escape into their fantasy life rather than deal with the reality of their lives. 

In order to overcome insecurity, people need to:

* Be willing to be put in vulnerable positions in life where they might get hurt.
* Take risks to change their current behavior.
* Trust others enough to expose themselves to them, risking vulnerability and the possibility of being hurt.
* Have a healthy and humorous belief in themselves in order to overlook their exaggerated need for acceptance and approval.
* Take a rational approach to each problem they face so that they are no longer inhibited by debilitating fears or beliefs.
* Practice assertive behavior in their lives, earning respect and the acknowledgment of their rights.
* Arouse the courage to take small steps in learning to experience success and overcoming their lack of belief in self. Once the success is experienced, they can build on it to gain the courage to act out of a strong conviction in their self-goodness and worth.
* Break the barrier or outer shell of the self-doubt they have hidden behind and reach out to others. Breaking out of their "shells" requires letting go of past hurts (real or imagined) and moving on with life.
* Open themselves to the possibility of success and accomplishment. Visualize or make a prophecy of winning at life so their energies are focused in a growth direction.
* Reward themselves for who they are and capitalize on their strengths, attributes, skills and competencies. 

What steps can people take to handle insecurity?

Step 1: Answer the following questions in your journal:

a. What behavior traits signal my insecurity?
b. What happened in my past to make me insecure?
c. What are some of my beliefs that account for my insecurity?
d. What are some negative consequences I've experienced due to my insecurity?
e. What behavior traits do I need to develop in order to overcome my insecurity?

Step 2: After identifying your insecurity, how can you handle it? Answer the following questions in your journal:

a. What substitute behavior traits could I develop that would indicate security in myself?
b. What are some positive consequences of exhibiting such secure behavior traits in my life?
c. What are some rational beliefs I must develop in order to exhibit secure behavior in my life?
d. How will my life change if I exhibit secure behavior?
e. What is my action plan to develop security in my life?
f. What obstacles stand in the way of my executing this action plan?
g. How can I overcome the obstacles to my development of self-confidence and security?

Step 3: Implement the plan of action in Step 2. Keep a log in your journal as you go through each stage of handling your insecurity.

Step 4: The following project is designed to help you develop secure behavior by learning about yourself through the eyes of the other people in your life.

"Overcoming Insecurity" Collage

Ask at least 6 close friends and/or relatives to assist you in making a collage. Tell them you have been assigned to make a collage about yourself for school, work or a club project. All collages must be 2 by 3 feet. The collage must be completed within 2 weeks of the time you ask your friends and/or relatives to help you. Ask them to send you magazine pictures, sayings, articles, photos, prizes, trinkets, cards, drawings, objects, ribbons, etc., indicative of the various strengths, attributes, talents, skills, knowledge, virtues, competencies or abilities you possess. Ask them to send a short explanation with each item they send you. Ask each person to send at least ten items.

Once you gather the items, paste them on poster board in collage fashion. On the back of the collage paste the explanations for the items.

Share your collage with your friends, family and helpers. Explain each item on the collage, and explain that they have helped you overcome some of your personal insecurity by giving accurate and honest feedback on reasons why you should feel secure and good about yourself.

Step 5: If you are still feeling insecure after completing Steps 1 through 4, review the material, return to Step 1 and begin again.
Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14655-handling-insecurity/#ixzz1sNAUFdcj


Step 1: Answer the following questions in your journal:

a. What behavior traits signal my insecurity?
- Disconnect between what I say and do
- Talk a lot
- Feeling that I am not good enough, don't take risks
b. What happened in my past to make me insecure?
- Relationship, Mom
c. What are some of my beliefs that account for my insecurity?
- I do not have a good judgement of people, people i love go away, i fake my way thru
d. What are some negative consequences I've experienced due to my insecurity?
- not being in a relationship, emerging as a flaker, dissatisfied with the job
e. What behavior traits do I need to develop in order to overcome my insecurity?
- Confidence that i am good; Proud of my achievement; 

Step 2: After identifying your insecurity, how can you handle it? Answer the following questions in your journal:

a. What substitute behavior traits could I develop that would indicate security in myself?
- Believe I can deliver; Visualize
b. What are some positive consequences of exhibiting such secure behavior traits in my life?
- 
c. What are some rational beliefs I must develop in order to exhibit secure behavior in my life?
d. How will my life change if I exhibit secure behavior?
- I will be less competitve, happy in what I do
e. What is my action plan to develop security in my life?- 
- set small milestones and deliver (a) get montage (b) read earlier reviews (c) take small risks at work (d) start being truthful to people (e) speak my mind 
f. What obstacles stand in the way of my executing this action plan?
I am scare
g. How can I overcome the obstacles to my development of self-confidence and security?
Believe, that it will all work out ok.

Step 3: Implement the plan of action in Step 2. Keep a log in your journal as you go through each stage of handling your insecurity.

Step 4: The following project is designed to help you develop secure behavior by learning about yourself through the eyes of the other people in your life.

Read more: http://www.livestrong.com/article/14655-handling-insecurity/#ixzz1sN9NUq4x

Shaadi Mubarak 7

I am back from a hiatus! Yes, let us relive the days of Shaadi Mubarak.

In my earlier blogs, I spoke about the idea of why get married? I argued, you being the top priority.

In a conversation with a friend, she pointed out, the reason to get married is to find your spiritual partner- who will be your mirror and help you grow. This will be that one person, who will be there with you, (hopefully) every day, and will help you reflect on what you do, how you do and find a reason to grow, improve, do better.

This is fascinating. This gives a whole  new meaning to marriages, and the a view of what you are looking for.

Marriage Day (Photo credit: Fikra)

On a tangent, I am wondering, what is this fascination to GROW in our generation. Why do we always are itching to grow. Some of the best times I recall in my life was as a child, when I was taken care of, and not bothered about anything in the world. (YES, laugh it out, I know, you did not mean physical growth!).
But seriously, why are we all so fascinated to know.

Isn't it hard enough to accept ourselves, the way we are today, that we are pushing our selves for growth, move out of today into tomorrow, to look at future. When will we learn to live in today and not bother about tomorrow. Should not marriages be about finding someone to enjoy the moment you have right now, to share that space, to share that time. Growth will happen, it is natural. The world moves, the universe moves, the earth revolves. But, if we do not make today happy, how will we make tomorrow better. Find a partner - be in a marriage to make your today 'happier'. If you are happy today, make it even better.

You decide, how you will reach there. Weather it is someone else who will help you become happier or you yourself. But, whatever you do and if you decide to get married, don't give up. Like any relationship. this require nurturing, Do not make this into a ego match, where one is better than the other. Don't try to grow (grow on each others nerves!). Just simply try to BE.

BE Shaadi Mubarak.

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Shaadi Mubarak 6

In Shaadi Mubarak 5, I argued the reason and rationality to get married. I argued, stating, the only reason to get married is because you want to be the 'top' priority for somebody or make some one your 'top' priority.

The youth (by youth, i mean anybody over 25+) is evolving. Today, people do not get mar

it's sundanese party of married (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

ried because they want to be with each other for ever and ever, but because at that point in time it made sense. That is their requirements / needs/ source of happiness or may be an experience they want to get.

The primary driver of this post is a conversation i had with a friend of mine who completes 1 year of a blissful married life. She is one of the most grounded, sensible and practical person i know, who does let her emotions take over and lives it when she needs to. She had a fairly tale wedding. A relationship i have admired, ever since it has come into being. A balanced relationship.

For all of us, looking to get married, this is the holy grail. Find a person who will be with you for ever and ever. But what happens, when on your first anniversary he says, you are not my top priority. In fact, my work it self is not my top priority. The core of the argument that i laid out earlier is lost, is shaken. Does that mean it does not make sense to get married? What goes on in your mind when the person you change your life for tells you - you are not important to them? Does it bring a sense of relief or betrayal? Does one feel shortchanged?

The bigger question is what does it do to the relationship? Are our expectations from a relationship like marriage un-founded (if at all there is a word like that); Is the base of my argument wrong?

I do not have an answer and am still mulling over this. But, the very fact that it happened to somebody who is inshallah in a happy relationship and shall continue to be in one, has shaken me up and I am re-evaluating how I see the world.